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I
used to really miss my father. I didn’t miss what/who
he actually was, I missed what he could have been, in my life.
As an African-American female, who grew up in a large, metropolitan
city, the physical absence of a father is nothing new. Recent
statistics state that 7 out of 10 Detroit children are born,
out of wedlock. Sad.
My father died, when I was nine years old. He and alcohol
had an ongoing tumultuous relationship — to the point
where one of the two was going to have to go. My father was
the one to go. When he died, his pancreas and liver were totally
and completely destroyed. Alcohol was the victor. My father
left behind memories of spousal abuse, and a longing for a
completely functional, sober, kind and gentle man. The father
I always wanted.
I’ll never forget the night my “daddy”
died. He’d been rushed to the hospital one late afternoon.
When I arrived home from school, we got a call from the hospital.
It was one of those calls, where no information is given over
the phone — you just GO. I remember riding in the car
(It was raining that day), not knowing that my life would
be totally different, the next day. When we got to hospital,
we were escorted to a room, and the doctor announced that
my father had “passed away” earlier that afternoon.
I remember smiling — I was so RELIEVED that he was gone.
My mother and father fought, almost every night, for as long
as I could remember. There was never a moment’s peace
in the house. Under the influence of alcohol (which was most
of the time), my dad was a raving maniac. Didn’t take
much to “set him off”. While he never abused me,
my mother was not so fortunate. I remember being crouched
in a corner of my bedroom, many nights, hands to my ears —
trying to drown out my mother’s cries for help. I couldn’t
help her, but I could wail right along with her.
While his death “released” me, in one way, I
was bound in many other ways. I never developed that natural
bond with my dad that fathers and daughters have. Three years
after my dad’s death, my mother remarried. She married
a nice man — good provider, non-drinker. But he was
very emotionally distant, towards me. He never adopted me,
and that bothered me for many years. I felt rejected and unloved.
Yet God would later teach me, the TRUE meaning of “fatherhood”.
I missed my dad most, during my junior high/high school years.
I didn’t have a man, to teach me about men — from
a male perspective. My stepfather was “there”
in body, but his spirit was missing. What’s amazing
is even with my tore up family life, God spared me from being
the “Poster Child” for fatherless girls. What
could have/should have been, God said, “Not so”.
He saved me, at 12 — which canceled out an assignment
from hell, to use my family background as an instrument of
mass destruction. God is good! His grace reaches far beyond
alcoholism, dysfunctional parenting and low self-esteem.
God
Establishes A New Foundation
To my sisters, who grew up without a dad – either
literally, or figuratively, know that God wants to establish
a new foundation. New “bricks” must be laid
and cemented together, in order to erect a strong, aesthetically
pleasing, yet fully functional “building”.
If the new foundation is not built, you will spend a lifetime,
searching for the “daddy” you never had. You
will grow up, and seek relationships with men, to feed
your longing to be fathered. Trouble is, the brothers
may not want that role. But even if they do, their provisions
will inadequate.
Your father has greatly contributed to your mindset,
regarding men — whether absent or present. You
need to know what he “taught” you —
consciously, but more importantly, unconsciously. The
“unconscious” will drive and direct your
relationships with men. You will choose men, based on
your dysfunctional thinking. Don’t wait until
you get into a relationship, or married to figure that
out. Figure it out, and if it’s toxic, ask the
Holy Spirit to uproot it. It’s painful to “tear
down” a structure, and rebuild. But the gain you’ll
experience is worth the temporary pain. Plus, you’re
already hurtin’ and you’ve gained nothing.
Don’t hurt, and have no growth to show for it.
You must move past the limitations of your human father.
As human beings, we are flawed – at our BEST.
To hold on to an imagined “ideal” of what
your father should have been is counterproductive. Your
father is/was what he is/was. People process life, the
best way they can — based on the life tools they
have. Accept that, and watch God step in. God will use
it ALL, for your good — if you allow Him.
Backtrack
to Wholeness
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Accept the truth that God allowed you to
have the family background you had — with
all its troubles. God is sovereign. He was in control,
during your childhood, just as He is now. We are
to be “trophies” of God’s GRACE,
so that others can SEE God is truly able to make
“the crooked paths straight”. You have
a song, that everybody can’t sing. Somebody
needs to hear YOUR song — their life may depend
on it. So sing it!
“My soul praises the Lord’s
greatness! My spirit finds its joy in God, MY
SAVIOR, because He has looked favorably on ME,
His humble servant. From now on, ALL people will
call me BLESSED, because The Almighty has done
GREAT things to me. His name is holy. For those
who fear Him, His mercy lasts throughout EVERY
generation.” - Luke 1: 46–
50
Mary praised God, for a difficult situation —
she was pregnant and unmarried and Joseph was
about to walk. But she changed her perspective,
and chose to see God’s hand in her circumstances.
People will look at your life, and see God’s
amazing grace and mercy, which will draw them
to The Christ.
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2
Thank God, everyday, that Satan’s
will for your life did not come to pass. God canceled
Satan’s “hit” on your life!
Daddy may not have been what he should have been.
Mama too. But…you are still standing and
you have a testimony, that points towards the
“daddy” who is ALWAYS what He should
be. Praise God, and press on!
Joseph was able to bless his brothers, who were
responsible for his imprisonment — an evil
thing. He knew God had a bigger plan, for his
life — that many would be saved, because
of what God allowed him to experience. There is
such a thing as “emotional imprisonment”.
When we allow other’s sins against us to
rule our lives, we are in a type of “prison”
— but we hold the key, to our release.
“Even though you planned evil
against me, God planned GOOD to come out of it.
This was to keep many people ALIVE, as He is doing
now….” – Genesis
50:20 Somebody will be kept alive, because of
your experience! God is good!
“I know the plans that I have
for you, declares the Lord. They are plans for
PEACE and NOT disaster, plans to give you a future,
filled with hope” –
Jer.29:11
God has big plans for you. He wants you to live
in peace (He is Jehovah Shalom, the God of peace!)
— not be controlled by the memories of your
disastrous past. |
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Allow the Holy Spirit to reveal wrong thinking,
and renew your mind. Uproot any bitterness, lest
you cause others to be defiled. Refuse to dwell
on your father’s shortcomings and failures.
“Finally, brothers and sisters,
keep your thoughts on whatever is right or deserves
praise: things that are true, honorable, fair,
pure, acceptable, or commendable.” Phil
4:8 |
4
Trust God to provide “safe”
men, who will serve as physical evidence of God’s
love and care for you, as a sister/daughter in
Christ. The Body of Christ is our “surrogate”
family. When we operate properly, we “patch
up the holes”, in each other’s foundation.
We strengthen one another.
“He makes the whole body fit
together and unites it through the support of
every joint. As each and every part does it job,
He makes the body grow so that it builds itself
up in love”. – Ephesians
4:16
“The God who is in His holy
dwelling place is the father of the fatherless,
and the defender of widows. God places lonely
people in families. He leads prisoners out of
prison, into productive lives…” -
Psalm 68: 5,6
Let the redeemed of the Lord say, “Amen!”
~Levite Priestess (Yuinon Local 313) |
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Related Article: A Fathers
Love |
