Male
THE PAINFULL
BUT FREEING TRUTH By Trevor Yamba
I sit here at half past one on a Wednesday morning typing what
I know will be very unsettling but ultimately healing for many.
A song called “Precious Illusions” is playing and it
articulates a lot of what I have come to learn – how we can
be so spellbound by the myths and hopes that we grow up believing
will bring our ultimate happiness until we take a look around.
As I have already publicly been open about, I broke
away from a homosexual lifestyle that spanned twenty years, to follow
the Christian faith. Obviously I was then very intent
on investigating the causes of homosexuality because, as many gay
men will tell you, feelings for your own gender feel very natural
– I got to the age of puberty, and in a way that I could not
comprehend, I found myself being attracted emotionally, physically
and psychologically to men. For years and years I believed that
I had been born that way, and after the initial self-loathing and
attempts to ‘fight the feeling’, I gave in to what felt
like God-given desires. However, my perception has radically changed
after some lectures in a course of psychology that I am currently
studying. What I am to share with you are some of my findings in
my course and from the Internet, and a few of my own philosophies
and experiences that have changed my perception. I have had to be
very honest with myself – and consequently, I am going to
be very honest and open with you not as attention seeking stunt,
but because it may help you see some of yourself or loved ones in
my admissions. I pray that as painful and as emotive as it may be
for you, you read it right through to the end.
There are two major trends (or molds) that are featuring in the
study of homosexual behaviour. Bear in mind that no mould is an
absolute because:
| a) All sorts of individual factors come
into play
b) People can respond to the same set of circumstances in
different ways. |
Here are the two molds:
1) SEXUAL MOLESTATION IN OR AROUND THE FORMATIVE YEARS
OF A CHILD (1-7 YEARS)
The formative years of a child are the years in which all sorts
of foundations are laid – personality, accent and even sexuality.
What is one to a child in those years is very powerful in influencing
how the child behaves in his adult life. I only recently admitted
to this one – the truth does indeed set you free! I had always
viewed sexual molestation as something that had to be violent with
a lot of screaming and bleeding. However, I am now aware that it
can also be (and most often is) very gentle and persuasive where
children are involved. A sexual orientation can be perverted in
these years.
I was abused at about the age of five by my grandfather and then
by a young man who used to tend to our yard. At about the age of
seven or eight, the same happened with a music teacher. All three
men were very gentle and persuasive in their ‘methods’,
and I kept this to myself for close to twenty years. I realize that
many men have experienced the same, even in African cultures (despite
contrary belief!). African cultures have a very communal aspect
to them – children are encouraged to know their relatives
and so spend time living with extended family where the norm is
for the boys to sleep together. Many gay men will report to having
had their initial sexual experience in these types of circumstances
– with cousins, uncles, grandfathers etc.
2) INADEQUATE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL BONDING WITH A PARENT
A child is conceived by the ‘union’ of a man and a woman.
The child thus needs to bond physically and emotionally with both
to be balanced. If one parent is missing or passively or aggressively
aloof the child can then start seeking to fill the void created.
This can manifest sexually.
So with a girl child, if the mother is missing or aloof she receives
only male bonding and can go seeking female bonding via lesbianism.
Masculine behaviour can result from the fact that babies fashion
themselves around the parent impacting on them the most, so the
girl subconsciously imitates her father’s (or the men raising
her) walk, dress sense, manner of speaking etc. She is subconsciously
identifying as a man.
With a boy child, if the father is missing or aloof, he receives
only female bonding and can go seeking to fill the void sexually
with other males. He is unknowingly seeking a father. Feminine behaviour
can result from his fashioning himself around his mother (or women
who raise him) – imitating her walk, gestures, behaviour etc.
He is subconsciously identifying as a woman.
Now as demasculating as it is, I admit it – the shoe fits…
I fit the second mould too. Here goes…
It is with great trepidation that I write this paragraph, but the
truth must be told. The harsh reality that there is a part of a
gay man that may be identifying as a woman (unconsciously) and if
one sees oneself as a woman that means one aspires to be a woman,
and if one aspires to be anything that means one worships
that which one aspires to be. Does it sound cruel
to say that part of the gay man is subconsciously idolising the
female form? This explains why many a gay man is attracted to and
will attract a woman of presence – because she is a leader
and since childhood he (in a lot of cases) has been lead by a woman
or women of presence therefore he is comfortable with it. I know
I can
I know the above is hard to swallow – it was, and sometimes
still is hard for me. But now I have to get to the objective consequences
of homosexuality for what they are. Again, it’s going to be
embarrassing, painful and maybe insulting for some, but truth must
be faced for healing to begin. A mans quest for fathering in the
wrong way and the wrong place will damage him.
Forces opposing Homosexuality:
| |
GOD |
| |
SOCIETY & NATURE |
| |
BIOLOGY:
No Procreation. Damage to sphincter (tampons for men?)
Excreta on genitalia after penetrative sex |
|
Let me explain the above diagram that I call ‘the mirror’.
It allows me to see the painful truth as to what I had allowed myself
to be for twenty years. As ‘the mirror’ shows, there
are three very significant ‘forces’ pushing against
the world of homosexuality – forces that society consciously
or unconsciously fashions itself around.
Biologically we know that two of the same cannot reproduce. Also
the sphincter is an elastic muscle at the mouth of the anus that
is designed to let ‘things’ out and not in. things can
be put in, yes, but because this goes against its design the sphincter
will suffer damage. Bleeding does often occur after penetrative
sex. The sphincter can also be so damaged that it can begin to permit
‘waste’ to fall before you ‘command’ it
to. So biology is more than just hinting that homosexuality is not
a lifestyle endorsed by God.
Nature dictates that Man + Woman = Child. Societies realize this
– when John ‘meets’ Mary, a child is born…
guess what! He looks like both of them – yeah, he has his
mothers chin and his fathers eyes. “How cute”, says
society, “Let’s stick with this, let’s go with
this, we like this. Let’s call them a family. The more families
we have, the more we flourish as species. And we can leave things
for generations to inherit…” and so on. A heterosexual
lifestyle will thus always be more supported than a homosexual lifestyle.
Much as a parent may accept an inverted sexuality in his child,
deep down he would rather that the child were heterosexual –
and that, understandably, will never change. I mean you can imagine
one pregnant woman saying to another, while sentimentally stroking
her stomach “… John and I already have two heterosexuals,
so we are hoping that this one is gay… please pray that it
is…” Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see
this scene playing in the near or distant future.
Finally, the big G. God. Jesus Christ to me and others. The major
codified (i.e. written) faiths of the world are unanimous in their
stance against homosexuality, with Islam taking the most radical
reaction to this sin – it is apparently punishable by death.
The Bible is very clear in the old and new testament that God our
father does indeed love us all, but that He wishes us to turn from
our sinful ways and obey Him. He cannot protect, restore and help
you if you continually disobey Him in the same way that a parent
loves his children and enforces rules in the home for thin own well
being and protection. Homosexuality is one of God’s (daddy’s)
no-no’s. He is against it and until you turn from it you will
feel Him and the other two forces against you in ways that I am
now going to discuss. Refer to ‘the mirror again’.
As you can see, with the three major forces pushing against it,
the world of homosexuality is pushed underground, explaining why
a lot of homosexual activity happens in secret, in shadows and in
darkness. I’ll admit that a lot of the above does feature
in my history – looking for a father in the wrong way and
in the wrong places. I could return to it, but I choose not to and
I fight everyday. I see how I would be returning to the same type
of fear, rejection, low self-esteem and furtiveness that sadly characterises
a hyena. I mean this not as an insult to others with the same battle.
Read on and you’ll see what I mean by that analogy.
The diagram shows on the left, some of what exists on the inside
of gay men and on the right, some of how this can manifest
You certainly don’t have to be a homosexual to be living
‘underground’ in a world of damaged emotions. If each
person is honest with himself, he just might see himself for what
he is, and not what he thinks he is, in ‘the mirror’.
For a homosexual though, I realise his only hope of restoring himself
is to let go of that world.
The healing process is one that takes time – I would personally
encourage any homosexual to let the process begin. Living
that lifestyle (that now I see is not an inborn orientation) will
lead to inevitable inner destruction, even though
it doesn’t feel that way. Even if one does not fit the abovementioned
moulds, I do believe that there are other things in the past that
one is unknowingly responding to via an inverted sexuality for example
conditioning in jails or sexual experimentation with other boys
in teenage years possibly at school. I would encourage the heterosexual
to support this process with sensitivity, empathy and compassion.
May the peace of God extend to all who read this and their families,
as we all face that within ourselves that we have run from for so
long.
Blessings, encouragement and love.
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Low self esteem