SOMETHING MISSING
Growing up without a father present was sometimes very difficult. Also growing up with a father in a home but not present, can be even worse. Having to experience everything from street fights to sex without your father giving you that so desired advice can be tragic. After years without him in my life, I grew callus towards showing love. I even grew bitter towards my mom. I resented my father but the anger transferred to her. We would constantly argue and school was no longer important to me. She loved me but what I was missing, my father could only give.

I had mixed emotions growing up without my father being in my life. He and my Mother had gotten a divorce when I was two. After that, I had no contact with him. I never knew my father's side of the family, names or faces. I was often saddened by his absence when I saw or heard other kids accounts of interaction with their fathers, whether good or bad. I had my maternal grandfather and uncle’s filling the gap, but I still felt something was missing.” – Ed SizzaHanz

A father to a son is like a map on a road trip. With a map, you can see your options, possibly avoid going the wrong way and take the safest and most sensible route to your destination. But without a map, you will experience frustration, misdirection and possibly never get to your destination. Eventually I turned to the streets for wisdom, which ended up not being wisdom at all. .

“…. my moms was there but pops was the street corner.” - Maji

I remember several times I almost had gotten killed from listening to street wisdom. I wanted to ask my father first before I made decisions but because we weren’t close, I never did. So eventually the streets and my homies gave me what I missed from my pops-attention, love and self worth. However, this guidance lead me to drug schemes, fornication and steel being pressed against my jaw. Through it all God was with me. But I never had an understanding about my “heavenly” Father. He was more like a fairy to me. I would pray to Him when I got in trouble or when I needed something to go my way. My moms would force me to go to church but during the 70’s teaching was different from now. As youth there were only skating and pizza parties. At that time in my life, I had never heard a pastor like the ones spoken of in Jeremiah.

“Then I will give you pastors according to mine heart, which shall feed you knowledge
and understanding.” - Jeremiah 3:15 (KJV)

So without guidance from an “earthly” father and knowledge and understanding from the church, I was headed in the direction Satan had set for me. But little did I know, God was there.

“At times, you may walk through the valley of the shadow of death but remember, it takes light to cast a shadow!”
– Dr. Renee Rochester

HOLDING.A.GRUDGE
God used me to minister to my father, not through the Word (he knew the bible) but through actions (James 2:18). He would often hurt me emotionally, but I still showed him the love that Christ expects of us.

“A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” - John 13:34 (NIV)

I remember when my father accused me of stealing money from him and he had my step mom file a police report against me. When I called him and confronted him, he replied, “Who else could have did it?” I was in shock! I cried and cursed him! After all I had done for him and after all of the crap I had forgiven him for! He had the audacity to call me a thief.

“All my pops ever gave me was his name and bad credit! When I finally talked to him, he tried to discourage me from being a Christian. Since I was a baby in the faith, all I could do is get mad; we lost touch after that. But now after maturing in the faith, I have forgiven him and would love to share the gospel with him”. - Precise

Many months passed without me even speaking to him. Then one day the Holy Spirit convicted me of not honoring my father. By this time my father was bed ridden with Parkinson’s disease and he was extremely disgruntled. Since my love for God was stronger than the grudge I had against him, I went over to his house and apologized. He didn’t say it but from the look on his face, he was pleased. It blew him away that I humbled myself when he was the fuel that started the fire. He apologized for not being the dad that he should have been. I sincerely replied, “Dad, what Satan meant for evil, God will use for good.” This was a pivotal point in our relationship. That one action of love I displayed may have helped in leading my father back to Christ.

IN TIME IT WAS REVEALED
After about three years of suffering with Parkinson’s disease my father started sharing with me things I had never known. One day I went over his house to ask for his blessing (Gen. 27:29). What came next shocked me. My father told me to be quiet; he wanted to pray for me and give me his blessing. I was overwhelmed with emotions that I had never felt before. See, usually, I would pray for him, so this was out of the norm. When he started praying I immediately felt the presence of the Holy Spirit. His prayer was powerful, one of an elder who knew God. After he finished praying I wiped my tears and hugged him. Later that evening I told my moms. She laughed and said, “You didn’t know your father was called to preach?” Blown away by her response, I went back over my father’s house the next day. I asked him was it true and he closed his eyes and replied, “Yes.” Later I discovered that all his brothers were ministers and deacons. Man, my entire life I thought the men on his side of the family were rolling stones. My perspective of my father had changed and now that I am a man, I could easy identify with the temptations that he was faced with. From the women to the money, Satan put things in my father’s path that caused him to make many bad decisions, eventually detouring him from the purpose that God had for set his life.

GIVING A PROMISE
One Sunday my pastor preached a powerful sermon about giving a dying man a promise. He gave an example of how Joseph still honored his father after all he had been through. And how a promise to someone who is near death, is like food to the starving.

My father is now 75 and his Parkinson’s had taken a turn for the worse. My step mom had no choice but to put him in a nursing home. One day I visited him and asked him is there anything he’d want me to promise him? He leaned up and said, “I want you to preach.” It took everything in me to fight back the tears because I knew in my heart he was going to say that. I asked him was there anything else? He replied, “ and I want to hear you preach.” Let me pause here to say God is awesome! That past Sunday I had spoke at communion and someone taped the service. So I took the tape down to the nursing home. I put the headphones on my father’s head and pushed play. I watched him very closely to see if he was proud. After the tape stopped, I asked him how did I do? And He smiled and replied, “Excellent.” I asked him is there anything he else he would like me to promise him. He looked at me and said, “Son, just don’t let me down…. preach.” My father was finally at peace knowing that his son would carry on what God had intended for him to do.

RELEASE THE PAIN
“Forgiveness”

“My pops made a lot of mistakes…and if I don’t forgive my pops…Then why should God forgive me…and if I don’t forgive my pops…How can my heart be set free?”
– Stikk / Song: Pop’s Made A lotta Mistakes

Although my father and I had finally mended our wounded relationship, I still was holding on to a lot of pain. One night the Lord told me that I hadn’t truly forgiven my father for his mistakes. The next day I went to visit him and he was in so much pain from his disease, I massaged his hands and then he started praying. When he was finished, I said, “Amen.” He softly said, “Your turn son.” So I started praying. We went back and forth for 30 minutes. I cried like a baby, the spirit was so thick my body became numb. I finally forgave him and I was able to let go of 15 years of pain. Hallelujah! Once I had taken the focus off of me, I was able to see that his pain for not being a good father was greater than my own. I was free to love him unconditionally like I had always dreamed.

“When I called my father for the first time, I had no questions, no agenda, just straight up freestyle. I broke through the wall I had placed up and just let go. I became overjoyed and had to pause for a moment, because I didn't believe what was happening. My two-year-old son came into the room and he asked to speak to his grandfather. I could’ve never imagined this. I finally felt the burden I had for years lifted and the roots of bitterness were pulled up.” - Ed SizzaHanz

Men of God, by all means neccesary, take back what the devil has temporarily stolen; your relationship with your father. Pray and ask God for the wisdom needed to reconcile the relationship between you and your father before it's too late. You may find that in saving your father, you’ll save yourself, your family and generations to come.

Update: 1/17/07

After a long battle with Parkinson's Disease, my Father Oliver Wilson Jr has gone home to be with the Lord. He passed away on Monday January 15, 2007. My step mother read this article to my father last year when he was in the hospital. She told me that she periodically had to stop reading to wipe my father's face because he couldn't stop crying. When I visited him the next day, I asked him his thoughts on the article? He slowly reached out, grabbed my hand and squeezed it. Sigh.... Healing never stops. Like my girl Ep say "The blood of Jesus didn't wash me, it washes me!" Thank You Lord.

The above picture was taken on my wedding day. My pops refused to let Parkinson's disease prevent him from being there. Dad thank you for always displaying strength, departing godly wisdom to me before you exited this life and for the lasting memories that are engraved in my heart. I won't let you down. Rest in peace, I can't wait to see you again. I love you.

Your Son - Jason "Maji" Wilson